It may just be my personality or how I was raised, but I've always leaned heavily toward being an incredibly humble person. Like, to a fault. I have trouble admitting I have any level of talent for doing literally anything, even when I fully know that I am skilled and talented. It is painful for me to even accept a compliment for doing things well. Seriously, ask anyone that knows me. In most cases, it is a terrible, awful trait to have. 0 out of 10 DO NOT recommend. Recognition for doing well or having an area of personal expertise should be a great thing. It is something I am working hard with myself on, but surprisingly it has served me well in my interactions with clients.
When I entered into this field and after a bit of general observation, I made the semi-conscious decision that when working with clients I would approach people with a high level of humility. Bear in mind that my background is in child advocacy and a lot of the nitty-gritty conversations I was having was with parents, however I think this approach can and should be used in most advocacy interactions. You would think that most social and humanitarian work is done by the saintly-est, salt of the earth, most humble human beings in the world.... I am here to tell you that advocacy, non-profit, and social work fields are just like every other workplace. There are employees who love the job, have a heart that bleeds for their clients, and will do nearly anything for people in need, and then there are the people who think they know everything and end up only looking for praise and recognition. My nerdy self likes to refer to the latter as having “superhero syndrome.” Attention and praise feel amazing and can be addictive so it is understandable how someone can get caught in that trap, especially depending on one’s personality. However if you’re prone to it please go into another field. We appreciate your effort and hopefully good intentions, but you would enjoy and do much better in something competitive and commission based. Maybe try real-estate?
I firmly believe in order to be able to do this work effectively, you need to be an extremely grounded person who can meet anyone that sits in front of you on their own level. We are professional best friends. We hold the hands of people walking through the worst moments of their lives. They don’t need to be lectured, made to feel under informed or feel incompetent every second that they talk to you. Think of it this way: Imagine you go to your best friend with a problem you’re having in your life. What do you want from them in return? Do you want them to listen and build you up, telling you how awesome you are and how you deserve better? Do you want them to suggest a friend, connection, or resource they personally know about and can vouch for? Do you want them to interrupt every sentence you try to get out with comments about what you’re doing wrong, overwhelm you with names and numbers, and try to fix you like you’re a project and not a human being? Most times we just want validation and to feel like we are heard. If we want help and resources, we will ask. Clients apply to this too. You will find that the majority of time you spend with a client will end up just being venting and brainstorming sessions with the client doing most of the talking. It is what they need. Your role in that is to just be the sounding board for them. If you’re not sure exactly how to do that, here are a few tricks and phrases I keep up my own sleeve.
“Take it or leave it”
I started using this approach with parents and have found that it works with pretty much any demographic of client. Anyone that is a parent or knows a parent can attest that they are prime targets for unsolicited advice starting from the moment they announce they are expecting. The first platform a parent uses when defending their choices and styles is that no one has walked in their shoes. This is 100% accurate. No one knows a child as well as the parent does. No one knows what a family’s home life looks like if they have never lived in that home. It is impossible to know another person’s personal life experiences and perspectives no matter how close you may think you are to that person. Aside from parents, people who are seeking employment, facing legal issues, ending a relationship, and navigating mental/emotional/physical health crises closely follow as targets for the same treatment. Funny thing, as an advocate these are the people you will be working with. Any time I meet and start working with a client. I have a phrase I always tell them upfront:
“You know your life, child, and self better than I do. Only you know What will actually work for you and your family. I have worked in this field for 5 years and have a lot of experience but I will admit that I don’t have all the answers and I won’t always be right. I will always ask first if you would like any advice I have to give and you will always have a choice if you would like to hear it or not. It is also up to you whether you decide to take or try that advice once you have it.”
As an advocate, it is not our job to tell anyone what to do. It is only our job to empower people with information. Just because you give them that information doesn’t mean they will or have to use it. A client ultimately has to design a life or plan that works best for their family and it may be completely different than what you had in mind. That is okay. It is their life that they have to live and maintain, not ours.
Go on the Journey
It Is okay not to know everything. It can even help strengthen a bond between you and a client. It can be intimidating for a client in need to seek out help just to be sat in front of someone that seems to have all of life’s answers already figured out. For someone who is lost, struggling, or facing dark days it can be daunting and can make a person feel incompetent, like there is something wrong with them because they don’t know everything that you know. The information we gain as advocates comes from time, experience, and networking. In fact, a lot of what I know now came from needing to find resources for specific clients and cases. Don’t allow your clients to think all of this information comes to you effortlessly. Be transparent. If a client comes to you with a need that you’re unfamiliar with, tell them you’re unfamiliar with it but that you’re going to do some research to find resources to get them where they need to go. Better yet, make an appointment with them to sit down and do the research alongside them. An agency I worked for had a computer specifically for client use that I have sat at multiple times with clients helping them find answers that they needed. If a client witnesses you simply typing the problem into a Google search bar and being able to get the information they need, they will then feel like they are capable of doing the same research on their own. In a world where we carry more technology in our pockets than was used to put man on the moon, you would be amazed how many people believe information is a heavily guarded commodity. If you are transparent with your clients and go on the journey with them to reach their goals, you will not only help them in the moment, but equip them to grow long after your time with them is over. This job is not a competition, show your clients how to do the job for themselves. We want them to not need us eventually.
Ask questions, Don’t give Answers
I have to admit, this is not a tip I learned from my own experience but rather from a training on parent coaching I attended. As I’ve said before, most encounters you have with clients will mainly just be a client needing someone to vent to and let off steam. Occasionally during these venting sessions, they will try to get you to tell them what they need to do. Your job is NOT to try and fix their situation, it is to hold their hand and help them process for themselves along the way. Part of helping them navigate is equipping clients with the skills to do their own problem solving. If a client is looking at housing and asks you to choose between two options, don't. Rather, guide them to figuring out what option is best for them through a variety of questions.
- What are the pros and cons for each option?- How does it compare to the last place you were living?What did you not like about your last home?- What are your long-term plans? Do you plan to stay in thishome forever?
You can use open ended questions like these to frame any situation where a client wants you to write their story for them. I have used this method to guide clients through decisions about housing, mental health, career choices, parenting and discipline, etc. It is simply the act of taking a coaching and "choose-your-own-adventure" approach rather than spoon feeding answers. An additional benefit of taking this approach is the ability to reframe failure. If you give someone all of the answers, they will blame you when it doesn't work out. Allowing a client to come to their own conclusions helps them to take accountability for their decisions as well as equip them for making future decisions. They may have not completely thought out their plan and something they didn't account for happened. From this, they will then know they must have a pre-arranged back up plan working into their goals moving forward. Occasionally you have a client that truly is lost and doesn't know where to start. In this case, you can ask more direct questions such as; "how close is this option to your child's school? Are you willing to switch their schools? Does it fit into your budget? How close will you be to work or public transportation." You want clients to learn how to think critically and fully flesh out their plans on their own, again, because we eventually want them to be self-sufficient.
Wait for the Pause
This requires good judgement on your part. Depending on your role within an organization, you may have a lot of appointments and cases to manage so your time isn’t going to be unlimited. Let a client know this before the one-on-one session begins so they know you both should be watching the clock and may need to reconvene again later. Once you've made them aware and covered any questions or topics you needed to hit, ask them how they are or what is new then let them talk the rest of your appointment time. Don't interrupt them, don't interject, just actively listen and take mental or written notes. I get a much better picture of what a client has experienced and is currently facing by just letting them talk. In this atmosphere, a client tends to get comfortable and will disclose details they may not have thought of during a Q&A session. Eventually, the client will pause to gauge you for any judgement or thoughts, possibly even ask your opinion. That's when you can refer back to the last tip, ask open ended questions. "How does that make you feel? Do you have a plan moving forward? What have you tried?" The pause is when you begin to coach and guide. If you have a problem with interjecting (I honestly did when I started and still have to correct myself occasionally) make a habit of grabbing a notebook and pen before or at the start of a conversation. Anytime you want to interrupt to ask about something, just jot down what it is you're curious about to refer back to at the inevitable pause. Then you can start to try and make sense of the epic monologue that has been presented to you.
Mutually Set Goals
My clients always know I am working behind the scenes for them because I am always emailing and printing off handouts for them every time they see me. I am the pamphlet queen. This is usually a discussion we have early on. At the end of my first advocacy session with a person as well as every following session, I make sure to wrap up the session by going back over the information and concerns they presented to me and any goals we have set for ourselves. I want to make sure my clients understand that after a one-on-one session with me, we will both have homework when we leave the table. You always want your clients working on something for themselves. I am perfectly happy to share information about a resource, print out the pamphlet with all the details, provide a sticky note with the contact information, and even let you use my phone to call, however I fully expect the client to be the one to make the phone call and report back with the outcome. It can't be one sided though, the client has to know there is work being done on both sides. Arrange with the client a timeframe you both reasonably believe you can have it done, decide how you want to communicate what you've found, and set a time to sit back down for another one-on-one planning session. This will help build a working relationship between you and your client, keep momentum, help the client feel like they have a reliable support system, and keep you both accountable.
Try not to get disappointed
Prepare to have your heartbroken. Part of this approach is putting the power and accountability on the client. I can tell you first hand that not everyone is going to want your advice, not everyone is going to use your advice, and not everyone is going to be motivated to follow through. Some people just aren't ready. Our job is to meet people where they are and if where they are isn't ready, it is what it is. You can't let it get you down and you can't get angry with them. As the old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water..." Prepare yourself for those clients that will continue to be self-destructive. Prepare yourself for the ones who choose to walk back into danger. Prepare for the ones that aren't mentally or emotionally prepared to put down whatever they are addicted to. It is going to happen and it is a part of the process. All you can do is give them information and encourage them but in order to truly empower them, you have to allow them to freely make their own choices and face the consequences for them. Sometimes you may be able to backtrack and start smaller by referring them to therapy, rehab, or support groups. You may and should try to work in pep talks and verbal encouragement into your one-on-one time. In my work with abuse survivors, I am constantly building up and encouraging clients because the person who abused them verbally tore them down as a means to control them. Always try to keep your words and conversations positive and forward moving. If they relapse or mess up because they didn't take advice, don't get angry. Just flip back in your notes to day 1 and start back over with a smile. Some clients sabotage because they don't think they deserve the services they are receiving. The believe making the advocate disappointed or angry will reinforce that. Don't reinforce it. Don't spread yourself working too hard for a client, but however hard they are working for themselves work just slightly more than that for them so they know they are worthwhile.
Celebrate the Baby Steps
Echoing the last tip, reinforce even the tiniest steps forward. A client that is down trodden and discouraged will see their goals as mammoth, impossible tasks. They will feel like they haven't succeeded if they haven't hit the major goal and that they have failed if even the smallest obstacle arises. This is something that needs to be unlearned and is a great thing for an advocate to work with a client on. I have been known to do happy dances for clients that reported back to me with housing leads (did not apply just, just did the research), submitted job applications, and got kids to bed 15 minutes earlier than they usually would (though still way later than they should have been up). Progress is something to be celebrated, especially when progress is something that hasn't been made in a while. Celebrate the little things, even if they look at you like you have three heads. Eventually they will (hopefully) catch on and do a happy dance with you realizing their tiny bit of progress is a good thing. Then over time stretch out those goals, aim higher, but only when the client has learned to celebrate their own baby step milestones.
I sincerely hope that these tips and tricks I've learned along the way help you on your own journey. As I have always told my clients, I don't know it all and you can choose to take it or leave it. Ultimately the choice is yours and the hopefully you too will fall in love with advocacy and non-profit work as much as I have. I wish you the best of luck on your journey and hope it will take you places you never thought you would go.
Good Luck & Keep Fighting,
Jess ♥️
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