Organizing a Support Group for BIGS - Ages 9+ years

 

    If this is the first post on TheTraumaTeacher that you are reading, stop what you are doing and rewind a few weeks to my “Support Groups for Kids?!” post before reading on. 

    Ahhh, the older middle/high school group. You would hope that this group might be a little easier and in some ways it is. By this age, your kids have developed a bit more of an ability to sit and chat as well as a more mature understanding of the world. They are getting their fill of their own life stresses with friend drama, relationship drama, standardized testing that will actually affect their future. You are honestly going to have some pretty awesome discussions with this group, some during which you may even be enlightened yourself. But in this day in age and all of the advances and information we have available to us, there is likely to be some lofty expectations coming your way. This group may enjoy a longer chit chat period, but you’re gonna have to wow them to get them truly engaged. Honestly, it is still an age I am honing my own skills on. Knowledge of the day’s pop culture will always play to your favor and any effort to include technology into this group will never go unnoticed. You just aren’t going to get away with presenting this group with coloring pages and playdoh….. At least, not if you don’t present them appropriately. You’re going to have to get creative.

As with the other posts, you may choose to separate your ages different from how I have done mine. This has been solely based on my needs and resources as an advocate. You can only have as many groups as you’re able to have supervision for. I have done all ages working in one group and I have done three separate groups with age appropriate material. I’ve even had to switch back and forth each week between formats simply because there weren’t enough hands on deck from week to week. This post specifically may be something you choose to re-work because 9-18 years old is a HUGE range to accommodate at once. I get that. I’ve thought that. I feel it in the depth of my soul. But in a pinch, this can be an option that can almost actually work.

DROP-OFF

This can be a much more laid back sign-in situation. I highly recommend with any and all age groups to establish an actual “sign-in” procedure. If you’re operating under any kind of non-profit or charity organization receiving grant funding to provide your services, you will likely be expected to produce regular reports on the number of services you are providing and the number of clients you are providing them for during a period. Having a log sheet where each child is signed in on arrival can assist with completing these reports. These logs can also assist with tracking each child’s progress if you’re planning a “graduation” style session end as well as serve as an added safety measure and roster should an emergency arise (sudden flashback to teachers calling roster during school fire drills).

At this age, kids and teens have reached a point that they -should- be able to keep track of a notebook or packet long term. It could be an option to establish a session-long journal keeping project that they either bring with them to group each week or leave with you from week to week. This then could be tied into the “starter” work suggestion from our littles group planning. At this age, appropriate starter work could be a writing prompt, a short, creative writing or art project, puzzles or critical thinking activities, or even a more advanced pre-printed worksheet. This is, of course, simply one idea among lots of possibilities. You may even opt to skip an opening assignment all together and just let the kids mingle. You may choose to have an optional assignment available but not required for those who are less social than others. You also may have ideas that I’ve yet to imagine. If that is the case, I would love to hear below in the comments what you’ve tried or are thinking of trying. We are all in this together.

TOPIC DISCUSSION

Before jumping into the meat of what you’ll talk about with this age, I want to take a moment and discuss the importance of atmosphere and setting the stage for optimal discussion. I’ve mentioned before that luckily with this age group, you’re going to be able to enjoy much longer attention spans which is true. However, at this age the classroom setting and style is really starting to get old. They’ve been in school a while, their lives mostly revolve around either doing work in school or studying and doing work at home. They are always at tables and desks doing work. Now, there is nothing wrong with opting for a class setting for this group. They will understand it and hopefully meet behavioral and participation expectations you have of them. I would, however, encourage you to consider another angle that I feel has more potential for allowing adolescent aged kids to open up more freely: the casual lounge/coffee shop approach. Now this is, like everything else, going to be totally dependent on what spaces and resources you have available to you, but in my personal experience I have had much more in depth and personal conversations with older kids while relaxing in bean bag chairs and sofas than sitting at desks. 

Now back to the discussion topics. The beauty of the curriculum I created and used in my time working with children was that it was so adaptable and customizable. If you read my last post on Organizing Support Programming for LITTLES, you know that my favorite go-to for lesson topics and inspiration is basic character education concepts. Breaking these character words down to the bare bones with dictionary definitions and simple reflective questions set the stage for unlimited possibilities for adaption. Will you choose this route for your curriculum? Maybe not and that is ok. You may choose to have different plans for every group level you end up facilitating. As long as you are relating to what that age group is struggling with and going through in their day today life, you’re golden. If you don’t know what they’re struggling with, don’t hesitate to ask them. I have been known to sit down with my Bigs group and simply ask what they need to talk about, what was hard about the day, and what they have had on their mind. At this age, talking it out is totally appropriate. I would recommend though if you’re doing 9+ to preface those questions with the fact that it is a large age group and advise the older ones to censor what they say to a roughly PG-13 level. This can be a great experience for those younger Bigs that are only starting to hear gossip about dating and drama to learn how to process and deal with those situations before entering the deep end of their teen years.

Finally, like I said before, you’re gonna want to consider wowing them and getting creative. Crayons and playdoh aren’t going to cut it unless used right. You may want to brush up on your computer skills or find websites that easily help you accomplish awesome results. This age group are going to appreciate popular memes and videos, TikTok, group computer games projected onto the wall like jeopardy or family feud. Think of ways you can bring what you want to teach into our current technological age. Don’t have the resources? It happens. I didn’t either but even something as simple as working memes, emojis, and text speech into your activities are something your group will appreciate.

DRIVE IT HOME

A lot of your time with this group is going to be spent on discussion. They are really going to need to talk things out and process the emotions that they need to deal with. This doesn’t mean that this group doesn’t want and need to have fun and blow off steam. I mentioned a few technology-centric ideas in the last section, but you don't have to be a computer programmer if. You simply don’t have access to those tools. Competition and art activities can be a great way to engage this age and get them smiling and having fun. For perseverance, I had my groups engage in a challenge I caught wind of on social media building paper towers with only five sheets of paper. I set a timer, split the group into teams, and the group with the tallest freestanding tower by the time the tower went off got an extra reach into my “goodie” prize bag. Mixed medium self portraits, word art, and other competitive team activities are wonderful options that may interest a group of this age. Don’t forget to throw in some sessions with “just for fun” activities too. If you have the outdoor space this group would thoroughly enjoy balloon dart painting, tie dye, or any other large scale abstract project that would allow for expression and creativity to flow freely. This type of activity works perfectly with a session about self-esteem and self-care.

SEND OFF

Just like with every other group, you want to be able to say that you have provided every tool and bit of information that you possibly could for these skills to be practiced through the rest of the week. I would encourage you to inform the parents of your group about what you work. On each week and the instructions for any activities you do so that they might be recreated at home if they choose to do so. Even better would be to, just like with the littles group, send additional handouts and brochures with tips and information to support families with adolescents and teens. Lists of relatable movies, books, podcasts, blogs, YouTube videos, and community resources are good options.

The great thing about this age is that you can also give them optional at home work. The Random Acts of Kindness calendar I mentioned in a previous post, you can give this directly to your Big kids to do on their own. I actually have opted to give my kids blank calendars with a list of suggested “RAOK” and let them fill in and check them off on their own. Anyone that could complete a full week of random kindnesses would get some sort of special prize the next week. Make sure your suggestions are little to no cost and easily done on their own. I’ve suggested cleaning out toys or clothes they can't wear to donate, making and sending Get Well Soon notes, completing chores around the house without being asked, offering to help a friend study for a big test. Kindness doesn’t have to cost.

This can be a really fun and rewarding group to work with. Adolescents, teens, and tweens have granted me some of the best group conversations that I can remember. This is an age where you can have really gritty conversations about real life problems. I hope that this helps in your journey of program development for the older aged kiddos in your life. If I missed anything, you have questions, or would like to share your own experiences for others to learn from just as I am, please don’t hesitate to interact in the comments. I would love the hear and see what has worked for you and yours.

Also, as I mention in each post, my experience comes mostly from a background mostly in work with abuse and violence victims. Every example I have given has been used in that context, however I do truly believe that the tips and basic ideas behind this format. Could work for children and adolescents of any demographic. If you are working to develop support programming for minors. with other backgrounds and needs, reach out! I would love to collaborate and throw around ideas that could help you in that process and journey. 

I hope that this special Child Abuse Awareness Month series has been an inspiration to someone. Stay tuned for new posts every Saturday with more tips, tricks, experiences, and even lesson plan inspiration for those in the advocacy field. If there is anything specific you would like for me to cover or share, please reach out. Until then...

Good Luck & Keep Fighting,

Jess ♥️

Organizing a Support Group for LITTLES - Ages 4-9 years

    Welcome to the elementary level group. Bear in mind that your age ranges don’t have to match mine exactly. Honestly I just made an educated guess on where to draw the line and ran with it. It is all going to depend on your needs and the resources you have available to you. If this is the first post on TheTraumaTeacher that you are reading, stop what you are doing and rewind a few weeks to my “Support Groups for Kids?!” post before reading on. 

This is where a classroom style group is really going to start making sense. Kids this age are either just starting school and learning the routines or already have a few years experience under their belts knowing what to expect. No need to try and reinvent the wheel here. Something that you will want to keep in mind with this age group, though, is the short attention span. Elementary schools have recess and hands on project learning for a reason. Children this age aren’t going to learn well by sitting quietly listening or even conversation. They need to be engaged in interesting things and moving around once in a while.

For littles, I have found it best to switch gears often and plan a series of activities related to the main topic so the kiddos don’t have enough time to get bored. It is also a good idea to give them an opportunity to burn off any excess wiggly energy before starting discussion. As with every other post, I would like to remind that my background is mainly in working with children affected by violence and abuse but truly believe that this basic layout can work for children of any demographic in need of support programming.

DROP-OFF

This is going to be highly dependent on what resources and spaces you have available to you as well as any schedule you are having to abide by. The most successful drop-off scenario I have had thus far has been an outdoor sign-in procedure. Parents were asked to accompany their child to the drop-off and actively sign their child into the group. This has a lot of positive benefits. It gave myself the opportunity to speak briefly with the parent about how the week has been and get a feel for if the family was in need of any further services or referrals usually out of earshot of the already playing child. It is a great low-pressure atmosphere for any children new to the group as they can choose to join a group of already playing children to get acquainted or play on their own and observe while they adapt. It also serves the aforementioned purpose of getting out any overflowing wiggles before the group. This is by far my favorite approach as it gives kids time to just BE KIDS around other kids like them.

In times where weather has been an issue, a backup plan I have used has been the parent settling the child in for dinner at drop-off. If the group I was facilitating wasn’t having a meal, I would have related “starter” worksheets made up and printed set up in a way that the children could access on their own as they entered along with pencils, crayons, or any other tools needed for the assignment. Unfortunately a downside to this approach with this age is that you will likely have kiddos still learning to read and write and may be unable to complete it on their own (usually leading to bored and frustrated misbehavior). I mostly use this approach if I am short on extra adult hands and have a combined littles/bigs group and older kids are available to help the younger ones. This is not a perfect approach and definitely has its hang ups but it can do in a pinch. You are basically just aiming to keep your group engaged and entertained long enough that everyone can filter in (someone is ALWAYS late).

TOPIC DISCUSSION

Imagine you’re a teacher. Now open your eyes because that is exactly what you are. Or at least to them you are, which is a good thing. School teaches kids to respect, listen to, and trust their teachers so let them believe it. No need to confuse them with titles they’ve never heard of. If you’re group is violence or abuse related, this can also have an added benefit should there be a visitation agreement in place and the child decides to starting talking about their favorite teacher Ms. Jessie and how fun she is during those visitations with the other parent. “Advocate” may raise eyebrows and trigger further questioning.

Again the number and subject of your topics is going to be totally relative to your needs and resources. My experience usually meant I was working in unison with an adult support program so I mirrored the format of that group when deciding how long my program cycles would be. If they had an off week with some sort of special event planned, I would plan something on my end as well. My group started when theirs started and ended when theirs ended.

In the groups that I have facilitated, the best basis for themes that I have found thus far have revolved around character education. Most children have heard the theme words I use from their teachers, guidance counsellors, coaches, and likely even their parents at home. An observation I noticed in myself as well as in these kids AND their parents is that the theme words I chose were used so often and freely that when I asked anyone what the word actually meant, they weren’t able to tell me. Take a moment for yourself and try to write down definitions for a few of the following words WITHOUT using the word in the definition: Humility, Forgiveness, Self-Esteem, Respect, Responsibility. You may be tempted to write examples instead of a definition, but those still don’t explain WHAT those words MEAN. That is what I chose to teach. Every lesson started with that exact exercise as I called on raised hands to try and give me a real definition for that night’s topic word. We then followed it up with the actual dictionary definition. My goal was to break these big, seemingly simple but surprisingly complex concepts down to their bare bones. This way, I wasn’t telling these kids where they should be seeing examples of each topic, but giving them the ability to evaluate situations on their own. I followed the definition with a few pre-planned discussion questions to encourage participation and critical thinking. Some examples of these open ended questions might have been: How do we show humility? What are the benefits of being responsible? What does low self-esteem look like? Who does forgiveness affect? Questions like these, I’ve found, do a great job at allowing a child to reflect on their own experiences and interactions in a gentle and healthy way. It is worth mentioning that with this age, you’re going to want to watch the clock and try to keep this section short with a max time of 30 minutes or the wiggles will emerge.

DRIVE IT HOME

This will be the bulk of your group time so prepare accordingly. As mentioned before, kids this age are wiggly and short fused. They aren’t going to cooperate doing one activity for too long. You have a couple of options here. You can have preset activities for each topic (I would recommend 2-3 for each) or you can use a method that worked for me and create a pool of activities that you mix and match from each week. This is a great method if you are just starting out and have more topics than you have activities and can also allow your group to revisit and recycle some old favorites from earlier in the session. Again, keep them short and prepare multiple. If you see your kids losing interest, move on to the next one. You also want to make sure you’re taking the time to reflect with the kids on how the activity relates back to the night’s topic. Don’t just tell them, ask why they think you chose that game. A crowd favorite of mine has always been a game I called “blind man.” It was super flexible because it could be easily adapted to almost half of my curriculum and the kids always asked to play it over and over. Their favorite was when it was Ms. Jessie’s turn to wear the blindfold and they got to tell me where to walk. If you’re interested in this activity, let me know in the comments and I will make a future post with more information about it.

SEND OFF

Now is when things can get a bit tricky if you don’t have procedures in place. For a long time, I struggled with being at the mercy of another group and never knowing when my group was going to end. Some sessions we would get through everything on time and I would just be throwing coloring sheets at the kids trying to keep them entertained until they were picked up. Other sessions we would be halfway through our first activity and giving directions with parents suddenly starting to filter in half an hour earlier than they were expected causing my entire group to dissolve into chaos. Any point I had been trying to get across was effectively shattered. There is a better way, but it takes a lot of persistence and communication of expectation. What worked for me was to have a waiting area set up for parents outside of my teaching zone with already printed and displayed information about what was going on with kids programming. This would usually consist of the weekly newsletter covered the night’s lesson plan, a calendar of upcoming events that month, and an extra handout or brochure detailing further information or a local resource to help continue practicing the skill learned that night. Some handouts might have self-esteem building positive affirmations for the family to practice, a list of age appropriate books about the nightly topic, or a calendar of easy and free/cheap acts of kindness for the parents to consider trying. I would also have instructions in this area that group was still taking place and would be finished momentarily. 

Is everyone going to pay attention to this? Not at first and some maybe not ever. But with consistency, I hope you will have mostly success with this method. As I’ve said before, the best we can do is put the tools in a person’s hands and hope they use them. It isn’t our fault if they don’t, but it can't be said that we didn’t try and give it our all.

I feel it is important to remind anyone reading this far into the post that our job, tasks, and responsibilities are just as important, if not debatably more important than anyone else’s. Anyone that works with children has worked far too long in a world where no matter what role they were in or age they worked with, they were seen by an alarming chunk of the population as babysitters.  This just is not so. Especially if you are working in an advocacy field, but even those working across the board in child related fields, your work is important. We are the architects of the future. It is our job to shape, inform, and prepare the minds of the upcoming generation to run this world when we are gone. The people that we are shaping will still be around as we grow old as our doctors, nurses, lawyers, bankers, drivers, cashiers, cooks, etc. The skills and knowledge we teach them will affect their ability to carry out those jobs for sure, but the wisdom and morality that we bestow on them will affect how well and compassionately they treat us while they do.

As always, I hope that this information helps you in your journey creating your own children’s programming. If you have any questions about any of the information in this post, what me to elaborate on anything specific, or would even like to share your own experiences, I would love to interact with you in the comments. As always…

Good Luck & Keep Fighting,

Jess ♥️

Developing Personal Boundaries

For someone truly passionate about helping people, advocacy and social work can become more than just a job. It can become your life’s purpose. This is great in some aspects because you are always eager to learn new information, meet with a new client, or jump in to assist with a last minute Saturday side project raising awareness. You wake up in the morning excited to go to work and may have a hard time leaving at the end of the day because you know there is so much more you can do.

        The same strong emotions feeding that passion and love for the work are the emotions that have the potential to make you crash and burn out without even realizing until it is too late. There is an incredible amount of heartache to be had when you’re working with clients in crisis. It isn’t all bad. The heartache isn’t always caused by terrible news. Let’s look at what a typical advocacy journey might look like between one client and advocate.

On day one, you pick up the phone to hear a tearful, defeated voice on the other end and can tell they are just praying inside that someone will hear what they have to say and not simply dismiss them like so many others likely have in the past. Your heart aches in sorrow for them as you listen. You invite this client to your office to speak in person with you and help them to make a plan for themselves moving forward. Every idea and suggestion you make, this client frowns only to say that they have tried each and every one with no success. Your heart aches as you see the hopelessness wash over their face and shoulders. After this conversation, you spend hours on the computer and phone trying to compile some out of the box options or ideas only to realize how limited and in demand these resources are. Your heart aches in disappointment as you look at the small heap of printouts you have to offer to the client wishing for them that there were more but trying to stay positive. The next time you speak with the client again, they express a glimmer of happiness as they report they’ve had a great interview and believe they’ve gotten the job they need. Your heart aches with anxious anticipation clinging on to that glimmer just as hard as they are praying it works out for them. The client comes to visit you the next week with obvious joy pouring from them as they tell you they have gotten the job and are looking forward to starting. But then they call you the next day in panicked tears because rent is due by Friday and their alternator went out on their car this morning. Your heart aches for them in frustration wondering if a break will ever come along. You spend hours with this client over the next two months encouraging them, planting seeds of hope and confidence praying one will sprout, hugging them as they sob and celebrating with joined happy dances for every small goal they reach. Then the day comes that you’ve both been working toward. Your client is confident, connected to community resources they so desperately needed months ago with support groups and therapy, they are able to consistently make their bills each month and even have a tiny safety net put back to catch them if something does go wrong. On the outside you are smiling and ecstatic for them as they gush about how well their life is going. On the inside, however, your heart still aches. Not with disappointment or frustration. You feel the same ache a young mother does sending their child off for their first day of kindergarten. You ache with bittersweet joy knowing you won’t be seeing this client as often and they won’t need you like they did on day one. You worry how they will do standing on their own and if they have learned enough to get back up if they fall again. You remind them that you are just a phone call away if they need you and then your heart aches as they drive away, leaps and bounds more capable and confident than they were that first day.

This hypothetical story follows the journey of one advocate working with only ONE client. In reality, an advocate is typically juggling a handful of cases just like this or more at any given time. They are getting those tearful panicked calls back to back during their workday. They are consoling heartaches  and celebrating little victories multiple times throughout a week. If they work in a shelter or residential environment they are likely crossing paths and interacting with these clients not only in professional, sit-down office settings but laughing and joking with them over lunches and dinners. They’re playing with client’s children and getting to know them on a deeper level than most other professions. Occasionally they may also have the client come along who doesn’t blossom like in the story. They may choose not to take the advice, not follow up with the resources, and not develop that confidence that we all try to instill in everyone we speak to. As an addiction case manager, the person you’re working with may relapse or even overdose. As a patient advocate, the patient whose hand you’ve been holding for weeks may not get better. As a social worker, you may drive home in tears after a home visit because an abused parent isn’t ready to seek help and you know you’ll have to file the paperwork tomorrow to remove their children. Obviously there will always be professional boundaries that cannot be crossed to protect agencies and clients from misconduct and discrimination. However, as an individual in this field it is also important to protect your own mental and emotional health through establishing and maintaining personal boundaries. 

Take your nights and weekends If you work from 9AM to 5PM, be ready to leave at quitting time. Keep your belongings in one area of your work space so when it is time to go you can shut down the computer, update whoever is next on shift, and leave without hassle. Make it a point to check in with your clients for the last time right after lunch and let them know you’ll see them tomorrow so no one stops you on the way out without there being an absolute emergency. 

Know Your Limits Limit the timeframe of heavy conversations whenever possible and know when you need to step away from the desk for a minute. The loads that our clients carry are already so heavy for them that they can’t do it alone. Remember that while they are carrying only their own load, you carry a bit of the weight from each one of your clients. Therapists keep their sessions an hour long, take a page out of their book. There will be times where circumstances demand longer one-on-one time, but reserve that for dire situations and emergencies. If you begin to feel anxious or triggered while working with a client, ask if they would like a bottle of water or snack and excuse yourself from the room for a few minutes for a deep breath.

If your position allows you paid time off, take it If you can feel your stress levels rising or you know you have a heavy week ahead of you, plan for a mental health day for the following week without feeling like you’ll be missed or needed. Likely your agency has more staff members than just you so there will be plenty of help should clients need it. If it will ease your anxiety, make sure whatever note system the agency utilizes is up to date and send out a quick email with anything that staff may need to know while you’re away.

Clock out physically and mentally When you’re not at work, try to establish things in your life to keep your mind from wandering back on the clock. Listen to loud music or an empowering podcast on your commute home, pick up a new hobby, find a long new series to binge or book to read. Remember that you are not and should be defined solely by your line of work. 

Seek out your own support Lucky for you, you’re already plugged into all of the information about local resources in your area. You may want to consider looking into therapy resources for yourself to process your own thoughts and emotions (therapists are bound by confidentiality too so unpack all of that work baggage). Whatever you feel like will help to healthfully keep you sane and happy after a long day’s work, try it

Just like I tell my parents all of the time, “you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others.”

Good Luck & Keep Fighting,

Jess ♥️

The Humble Approach: Empower, Don't Overpower

    

    It may just be my personality or how I was raised, but I've always leaned heavily toward being an incredibly humble person. Like, to a fault. I have trouble admitting I have any level of talent for doing literally anything, even when I fully know that I am skilled and talented. It is painful for me to even accept a compliment for doing things well. Seriously, ask anyone that knows me. In most cases, it is a terrible, awful trait to have. 0 out of 10 DO NOT recommend.  Recognition for doing well or having an area of personal expertise should be a great thing. It is something I am working hard with myself on, but surprisingly it has served me well in my interactions with clients.

    When I entered into this field and after a bit of general observation, I made the semi-conscious decision that when working with clients I would approach people with a high level of humility. Bear in mind that my background is in child advocacy and a lot of the nitty-gritty conversations I was having was with parents, however I think this approach can and should be used in most advocacy interactions. You would think that most social and humanitarian work is done by the saintly-est, salt of the earth, most humble human beings in the world.... I am here to tell you that advocacy, non-profit, and social work fields are just like every other workplace. There are employees who love the job, have a heart that bleeds for their clients, and will do nearly anything for people in need, and then there are the people who think they know everything and end up only looking for praise and recognition. My nerdy self likes to refer to the latter as having “superhero syndrome.” Attention and praise feel amazing and can be addictive so it is understandable how someone can get caught in that trap, especially depending on one’s personality. However if you’re prone to it please go into another field. We appreciate your effort and hopefully good intentions, but you would enjoy and do much better in something competitive and commission based. Maybe try real-estate?

    I firmly believe in order to be able to do this work effectively, you need to be an extremely grounded person who can meet anyone that sits in front of you on their own level. We are professional best friends. We hold the hands of people walking through the worst moments of their lives. They don’t need to be lectured, made to feel under informed or feel incompetent every second that they talk to you. Think of it this way: Imagine you go to your best friend with a problem you’re having in your life. What do you want from them in return? Do you want them to listen and build you up, telling you how awesome you are and how you deserve better? Do you want them to suggest a friend, connection, or resource they personally know about and can vouch for? Do you want them to interrupt every sentence you try to get out with comments about what you’re doing wrong, overwhelm you with names and numbers, and try to fix you like you’re a project and not a human being? Most times we just want validation and to feel like we are heard. If we want help and resources, we will ask. Clients apply to this too. You will find that the majority of time you spend with a client will end up just being venting and brainstorming sessions with the client doing most of the talking. It is what they need. Your role in that is to just be the sounding board for them. If you’re not sure exactly how to do that, here are a few tricks and phrases I keep up my own sleeve.

    “Take it or leave it”    

    I started using this approach with parents and have found that it works with pretty much any demographic of client. Anyone that is a parent or knows a parent can attest that they are prime targets for unsolicited advice starting from the moment they announce they are expecting. The first platform a parent uses when defending their choices and styles is that no one has walked in their shoes. This is 100% accurate. No one knows a child as well as the parent does. No one knows what a family’s home life looks like if they have never lived in that home. It is impossible to know another person’s personal life experiences and perspectives no matter how close you may think you are to that person. Aside from parents, people who are seeking employment, facing legal issues, ending a relationship, and navigating mental/emotional/physical health crises closely follow as targets for the same treatment. Funny thing, as an advocate these are the people you will be working with. Any time I meet and start working with a client. I have a phrase I always tell them upfront: 

“You know your life, child, and self better than I do. Only you know What will actually work for you and your family. I have worked in this field for 5 years and have a lot of experience but I will admit that I don’t have all the answers and I won’t always be right. I will always ask first if you would like any advice I have to give and you will always have a choice if you would like to hear it or not. It is also up to you whether you decide to take or try that advice once you have it.”

    As an advocate, it is not our job to tell anyone what to do. It is only our job to empower people with information. Just because you give them that information doesn’t mean they will or have to use it. A client ultimately has to design a life or plan that works best for their family and it may be completely different than what you had in mind. That is okay. It is their life that they have to live and maintain, not ours. 

    Go on the Journey    

    It Is okay not to know everything. It can even help strengthen a bond between you and a client. It can be intimidating for a client in need to seek out help just to be sat in front of someone that seems to have all of life’s answers already figured out. For someone who is lost, struggling, or facing dark days it can be daunting and can make a person feel incompetent, like there is something wrong with them because they don’t know everything that you know. The information we gain as advocates comes from time, experience, and networking. In fact, a lot of what I know now came from needing to find resources for specific clients and cases. Don’t allow your clients to think all of this information comes to you effortlessly. Be transparent. If a client comes to you with a need that you’re unfamiliar with, tell them you’re unfamiliar with it but that you’re going to do some research to find resources to get them where they need to go. Better yet, make an appointment with them to sit down and do the research alongside them. An agency I worked for had a computer specifically for client use that I have sat at multiple times with clients helping them find answers that they needed. If a client witnesses you simply typing the problem into a Google search bar and being able to get the information they need, they will then feel like they are capable of doing the same research on their own. In a world where we carry more technology in our pockets than was used to put man on the moon, you would be amazed how many people believe information is a heavily guarded commodity. If you are transparent with your clients and go on the journey with them to reach their goals, you will not only help them in the moment, but equip them to grow long after your time with them is over. This job is not a competition, show your clients how to do the job for themselves. We want them to not need us eventually.

    Ask questions, Don’t give Answers    

    I have to admit, this is not a tip I learned from my own experience but rather from a training on parent coaching I attended. As I’ve said before, most encounters you have with clients will mainly just be a client needing someone to vent to and let off steam. Occasionally during these venting sessions, they will try to get you to tell them what they need to do. Your job is NOT to try and fix their situation, it is to hold their hand and help them process for themselves along the way. Part of helping them navigate is equipping clients with the skills to do their own problem solving. If a client is looking at housing and asks you to choose between two options, don't. Rather, guide them to figuring out what option is best for them through a variety of questions.

    - What are the pros and cons for each option?

    - How does it compare to the last place you were living? 

What did you not like about your last home?

    - What are your long-term plans? Do you plan to stay in this 

home forever?

    You can use open ended questions like these to frame any situation where a client wants you to write their story for them. I have used this method to guide clients through decisions about housing, mental health, career choices, parenting and discipline, etc. It is simply the act of taking a coaching and "choose-your-own-adventure" approach rather than spoon feeding answers. An additional benefit of taking this approach is the ability to reframe failure. If you give someone all of the answers, they will blame you when it doesn't work out. Allowing a client to come to their own conclusions helps them to take accountability for their decisions as well as equip them for making future decisions. They may have not completely thought out their plan and something they didn't account for happened. From this, they will then know they must have a pre-arranged back up plan working into their goals moving forward. Occasionally you have a client that truly is lost and doesn't know where to start. In this case, you can ask more direct questions such as; "how close is this option to your child's school? Are you willing to switch their schools? Does it fit into your budget? How close will you be to work or public transportation." You want clients to learn how to think critically and fully flesh out their plans on their own, again, because we eventually want them to be self-sufficient. 

    Wait for the Pause    

    This requires good judgement on your part. Depending on your role within an organization, you may have a lot of appointments and cases to manage so your time isn’t going to be unlimited. Let a client know this before the one-on-one session begins so they know you both should be watching the clock and may need to reconvene again later. Once you've made them aware and covered any questions or topics you needed to hit, ask them how they are or what is new then let them talk the rest of your appointment time. Don't interrupt them, don't interject, just actively listen and take mental or written notes. I get a much better picture of what a client has experienced and is currently facing by just letting them talk. In this atmosphere, a client tends to get comfortable and will disclose details they may not have thought of during a Q&A session. Eventually, the client will pause to gauge you for any judgement or thoughts, possibly even ask your opinion. That's when you can refer back to the last tip, ask open ended questions. "How does that make you feel? Do you have a plan moving forward? What have you tried?" The pause is when you begin to coach and guide. If you have a problem with interjecting (I honestly did when I started and still have to correct myself occasionally) make a habit of grabbing a notebook and pen before or at the start of a conversation. Anytime you want to interrupt to ask about something, just jot down what it is you're curious about to refer back to at the inevitable pause. Then you can start to try and make sense of the epic monologue that has been presented to you.

    Mutually Set Goals    

    My clients always know I am working behind the scenes for them because I am always emailing and printing off handouts for them every time they see me. I am the pamphlet queen. This is usually a discussion we have early on. At the end of my first advocacy session with a person as well as every following session, I make sure to wrap up the session by going back over the information and concerns they presented to me and any goals we have set for ourselves. I want to make sure my clients understand that after a one-on-one session with me, we will both have homework when we leave the table. You always want your clients working on something for themselves. I am perfectly happy to share information about a resource, print out the pamphlet with all the details, provide a sticky note with the contact information, and even let you use my phone to call, however I fully expect the client to be the one to make the phone call and report back with the outcome. It can't be one sided though, the client has to know there is work being done on both sides. Arrange with the client a timeframe you both reasonably believe you can have it done, decide how you want to communicate what you've found, and set a time to sit back down for another one-on-one planning session. This will help build a working relationship between you and your client, keep momentum, help the client feel like they have a reliable support system, and keep you both accountable.

    Try not to get disappointed    

    Prepare to have your heartbroken. Part of this approach is putting the power and accountability on the client. I can tell you first hand that not everyone is going to want your advice, not everyone is going to use your advice, and not everyone is going to be motivated to follow through. Some people just aren't ready. Our job is to meet people where they are and if where they are isn't ready, it is what it is. You can't let it get you down and you can't get angry with them. As the old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water..." Prepare yourself for those clients that will continue to be self-destructive. Prepare yourself for the ones who choose to walk back into danger. Prepare for the ones that aren't mentally or emotionally prepared to put down whatever they are addicted to. It is going to happen and it is a part of the process. All you can do is give them information and encourage them but in order to truly empower them, you have to allow them to freely make their own choices and face the consequences for them. Sometimes you may be able to backtrack and start smaller by referring them to therapy, rehab, or support groups. You may and should try to work in pep talks and verbal encouragement into your one-on-one time. In my work with abuse survivors, I am constantly building up and encouraging clients because the person who abused them verbally tore them down as a means to control them. Always try to keep your words and conversations positive and forward moving. If they relapse or mess up because they didn't take advice, don't get angry. Just flip back in your notes to day 1 and start back over with a smile. Some clients sabotage because they don't think they deserve the services they are receiving. The believe making the advocate disappointed or angry will reinforce that. Don't reinforce it. Don't spread yourself working too hard for a client, but however hard they are working for themselves work just slightly more than that for them so they know they are worthwhile.

    Celebrate the Baby Steps    

    Echoing the last tip, reinforce even the tiniest steps forward. A client that is down trodden and discouraged will see their goals as mammoth, impossible tasks. They will feel like they haven't succeeded if they haven't hit the major goal and that they have failed if even the smallest obstacle arises. This is something that needs to be unlearned and is a great thing for an advocate to work with a client on. I have been known to do happy dances for clients that reported back to me with housing leads (did not apply just, just did the research), submitted job applications, and got kids to bed 15 minutes earlier than they usually would (though still way later than they should have been up). Progress is something to be celebrated, especially when progress is something that hasn't been made in a while. Celebrate the little things, even if they look at you like you have three heads. Eventually they will (hopefully) catch on and do a happy dance with you realizing their tiny bit of progress is a good thing. Then over time stretch out those goals, aim higher, but only when the client has learned to celebrate their own baby step milestones.

I sincerely hope that these tips and tricks I've learned along the way help you on your own journey. As I have always told my clients, I don't know it all and you can choose to take it or leave it. Ultimately the choice is yours and the hopefully you too will fall in love with advocacy and non-profit work as much as I have. I wish you the best of luck on your journey and hope it will take you places you never thought you would go.

Good Luck & Keep Fighting,

Jess ♥️