Organizing a Support Group for TEENIES - Ages 0-4 years

    This is probably the age group that I get the most funny looks about when I mention it but hear me out. If this is the first post on TheTraumaTeacher that you are reading, stop what you are doing and rewind a few weeks to my “Support Groups for Kids?!” post before reading on. 

As you know, I am a firm believer in the intense effects of trauma on this age group. Just looking at it from common sense alone, humans learn more information and skills in the first three years of life ON THEIR OWN than they seemingly do the rest of their grade school career. (DISCLAIMER: not an actual scientific statistic, but… like… it’s pretty close right? Someone smarter than me, study this!) Seemingly, a lot of what children learn in school is simply building off of what was learned in those first lucrative years. Children who already learned how to move their limbs and use their strength go on to hone them for sports. They already learned how to form sounds and words with their voices, so they hone those skills for reading and writing. They have learned emotions and family bonding, they go on to use that information to make friends and build their community. Because of the pandemic and so much being communicated online for school and work, I have caught a few glimpses on social media recently for incoming kindergarten expectations and requirements in my area. Just browsing through the digital pamphlet, you may be surprised to learn that a lot of the requirements are based largely around average and natural development. Things on the list include that a child enjoy exploration through play, be confident in learning, shows independence, respects people and property, etc. These are things that aren’t generally taught directly by a parent, but learned from observation, trial, and critical thinking. If we know and see so clearly that infants and toddlers are absorbing this massive amount of information in those first 2-3 years of life, then it is also clear to see how a traumatic event or series of events could negatively affect the child just as easily and impactfully. 

So what DOES a support group for infants, toddlers, and preschool aged children look like? Well, it is definitely not a scene from Boss Baby with tiny suits and long boardroom tables. A support group catering to this age is exactly what you think it is, a playgroup but with a therapeutic twist. If you aren’t sure how to relate to this age, find a friend who works in the baby room of a daycare. Better yet, see if that friend can get you permission to visit their classroom and observe. I am going to walk you through some of my own experiences, observations, and techniques for successfully working with a Teenies-aged group.

DROP-OFF

If you have ever been around a toddler for any length of time, you likely know that transitions are not at all their strong suit. Your best bet if this is the only age group you are working with in a session is to attempt to stay in your group learning space the entire duration of the group with as few distractions as possible. If this isn’t possible for one reason or another, then try to build your schedule with as few transition periods as you can manage. If a mealtime is included during your group time, don’t try to schedule that meal with playtime before AND after the meal. For example, have parents prep and settle their child into their high chair or seat at drop off to have the meal first, then you will only have one transition from meal table to learning space. You can also try this in the opposite order, but take into consideration that hungry babies are grumpy babies and taking toys from children is never a fun experience. You can also take a moment to ask parents about when the child had their last meal/diaper change so you can have a bit more of an idea of what to expect during group time. I would highly recommend handling as much dirty work as possible before settling into the meat of your therapeutic play so you can hopefully have fewer distractions (ie: meal cleanup, child clean up, dirty diapers, potty time, etc). 

EXPERT TIP: This may be obvious, but having a space designated for parents to store a child’s diaper bag and belongings can be a life saver. In the past, I have utilized specific corners, wall hooks, and tables and asked parents to place the belongings there themselves so it became an eventual routine. Make sure whatever form your space takes, it is near the bathroom/changing stations!

TOPIC DISCUSSION

Okay, for teenies, this can take a bit more creative thinking but gets relatively simple as you get used to it. I prepare for a teenie group just like I would for any other group. I start by getting a good idea of the topic we will be focusing on and pulling learning tools and activities together that will help encourage topic-related play. This means choosing toys, story-time books, and maybe even music related to the topic. If you happen to want to focus on humility for a session, you might want to equip your play space with books about helping others and draw focus to toys that require taking turns and sharing. You will also want to prepare an artillery of encouragements, compliments, and verbal warnings relating to being humble (You did a great job at being humble by letting Sally go first! You thought about her before thinking about you!, How did it make you feel when Tommy took the toy from you? His action caused you to be sad. The things we do can affect how others think and feel too.) You also want to keep in mind specific behaviors to watch for that emphasize the topic. If you are talking about respect, you may work a lot of “manner words” into conversation and make a big deal when another child uses one without being prompted. Topics at this age are taught mostly through observation and environment. Think about what topics you would want to teach a group of infants and toddlers, and then how you would create an environment centering on the concept. 

DRIVE IT HOME

You may choose to do one major game or craft at this age, but usually it just ends up being a memento for the parent. Some ideas I have used in the past were greeting cards to mail for family and friends to teach Kindness, Humility, or Compassion (thank you cards could be used for gratitude), decorated age appropriate (toddler) chore charts for responsibility, and “cup races” across the floor for Perseverance. Again, most of the topic teaching is going to be done through lots of passive verbal communication during carefully tailored free play, but this is definitely something you could do.

SEND OFF

This may be the smoothest of all the age group send offs because this group is so much less structured. There isn’t a set “lesson” to interrupt and usually parents stand by and watch kids play and be adorable for a minute anyway. The tip from earlier about having a designated area for belongings will make this go even more smooth as everything they came with will be in one place ready to leave back out with them. Children at this age often light up when they first see their parent return (assuming it is not an abusive parent) and pretty easily go with them unless they are just too wrapped up in their play. As I’ve stated before, transitions are never easy at this age so a verbal reminder every five minutes leading up to a change in environment can work wonders in preparing a child for what to expect (are you ready to go home in 15/10/5 minutes? Did you have fun during our group time?) It can also help to have a wrap up routine as a visual signal to kiddos that group is almost over. At 15 minutes, you could initiate last potty time and check all diapers, at 10 minutes you can make sure all belongings are correctly packed in their area, and at 5 minutes you can start to tidy toys and books that aren’t being played with anymore.

Most importantly, you want to make each parent aware of what was worked on and how they can continue the lesson at home. Will they do it? Who knows, but you can equip them. Luckily at this age, it's mostly just vocabulary cues. Continuing to encourage manner words, talking about kind acts, saying thank you to enforce gratitude and appreciation are all great suggestions to give parents to continue lessons at home. Even if you don’t think a parent will follow through, they may surprise you and the simple act of specifically mentioning it may run through their mind when they least expect it. If you take it seriously, a parent has the chance to take it seriously too. 

Hopefully this post inspired you to see the beauty and potential that an infant/toddler support group can have. It is an age group that often gets overlooked and underserved based on the thought that children are “too young to remember.” However I am of the utmost belief that this is the most affected group when considering long term effects of trauma and stress. As always, this was developed mainly through experience working with children who have experienced violence and abuse, but I do believe that with a bit of brainstorming that it could fit the needs of any demographic. If you have any questions or want further ideas and inspiration for a Teenies group, don’t hesitate to reach out in the comments and I will do my best to oblige.

Good Luck & Keep Fighting,

Jess ♥️

 

Organizing a Support Group for Children BASICS

        In case you weren’t aware, April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Since this blog is still fairly new and children’s programming is my specialty, I thought the perfect way to recognize the occasion would be to lay out the framework of how I went about creating effective children’s support group programing. As you may have read in some of my other posts, I am a huge advocate of meaningful programming for kids that helps them process and heal from traumatic events in their lives. I truly believe that children are our future and are the keys to a more compassionate, better functioning society. If you haven't already, I invite you to check out my other post, Support Groups for Kids?!? and why I feel it is so important to cultivate and provide this type of programming.

        This post will be an introduction to the basics of what you’ll need to plan for in any support group catering to minors (0-17 years old). Before I begin, I want to be very clear that the information and experiences I share in this post come mostly from what I have personally learned in my time as a children’s advocate as well as other opportunities working with groups of children. I entered this field as a former nanny with very little direction and essentially had to figure it out on my own through research, trial, and error. The children I worked with specifically came from homes affected by domestic violence and in most cases, the child was a witness to this violence in some capacity. This format could definitely be adapted to work for children with other complicated or traumatic experiences, though I can only speak for its use with children coming from abuse. I also cannot guarantee that this exact format will work for everyone. That being said, the foundation pieces and tips I detail here have worked tremendously for my kids over the years. I can only hope that this information serves any child advocates out there, either new to the field or well seasoned looking for fresh material, in inspiring new ideas, techniques, or even just validation and encouragement. If you are in this field and feel like you’re fighting an uphill battle that no one else quite understands, I assure you that you are not alone in that fight. I can only pray that one day the world catches up to what we are already well aware of, children and families need more meaningful and tailored support.

    Gain Some Experience    

I have to say that I was a bit lucky when it comes to preparedness when I was offered the position as children’s advocate. As a teen, I had experience helping my mother teach children’s Sunday school classes as well as taking on some leadership responsibilities in church youth groups. I also realized in middle and high school that I learned information far better when I was attempting to explain concepts to another struggling student versus focusing on my own learning. These opportunities afforded me knowledge about teaching, engaging a child’s interest, and class management that served as starting points for my planning. If you are starting with little to no experience managing a group of children, I would HIGHLY encourage and urge you to start with gaining that experience. Offer to help a friend teach their Sunday school or VBS class. Volunteer to bring snacks to your nephew’s t-ball practices each week. Tag along as a chaperone on your baby cousin’s next school field trip. Whatever you do, make sure you observe the moments when children are learning and following directions. Make mental notes on what the experienced teachers and adult guardians do to rein a child’s attention and interest back in if they get distracted. Notice what gets them involved, asking questions, excited, distracted, or sets them off on a path of misbehavior (an inevitable occurrence). Having just a basic understanding of what it is to manage a group of children is probably the most important thing you will need starting out. 

    Know Your Audience    

This is going to come from a lot of different places. I would highly recommend doing a bit of reading on child development at different ages to get a better understanding of how they best learn. The average teenager may learn very well from a long group discussion, but a 5-6 year old will get the jitters and need to move after the first couple of minutes. Don’t even try that serious, deep discussion with a toddler. Knowing your audience is going to play a big role in deciding what angles to use when discussing topics and also how to talk about them. That same 5-6 year old will become much more engaged in conversation if the questions are printed on a ball being tossed around the room. While you are doing your research on average milestones and development, I would also encourage you to do some more targeted research depending on the purpose of the group. In my own case, I tried to read as much as I could on the effects of trauma, violence, sexual assault, and neglect on child development and how those factors affect learning ability, behavior, and all around health. I took great care in respecting each child’s boundaries, allowing them to participate and engage at whatever level they felt comfortable. When a child would tell a story relating to whatever topic we were discussing or question that had been asked, I allowed them a reasonable amount of time to be heard and tried to gently steer the story in a way so that they felt they expressed what they needed to process while trying not to allow another child’s traumatic memories to be triggered before they are ready to face them. I knew early on that the kid’s program I would be working on would take on more of a classroom or Sunday school vibe, as it is what children understand. I was more often referred to as “teacher” than “advocate” in that setting which helped the kid’s better understand how they should behave in group. 

    Focus On The Needs    

Okay, so you’ve spent time helping and observing various groups of children (and made sure that you actually LIKE being around and working with children! No lie, it’s not uncommon to change your mind once you’ve tried it. There is no shame in turning back.) and you’ve done some google searches on how they learn, but what are you actually going to TALK about?! This is also a bit of a know your audience section but is important enough to deserve it’s own header. This is where knowledge about your field comes in, as well as some creative brainstorming. Let me walk you through my own thought process at this phase.

Obviously, I wanted to avoid re-traumatizing children as much as humanly possible so I didn’t want to just walk in with a safety planning activity and talking about what to do when mommy is hitting and screaming at daddy on day one. In fact, I personally chose not to ever refer to violent events with a child unless they initiated the conversation one-on-one. We can discuss methods for how to navigate those conversations later because they do happen. As far as initiating them, however, I feel like that is usually better left to more advanced interventions and much more highly educated therapy professionals. The last thing you want to do is cause a child to regress in their healing process by unintentionally saying the wrong thing. This is my personal comfort-level and approach, the choice is totally your own.

With this in mind, I started thinking about what information I could talk about with these kids that would relate to what was happening in their homes and set them up for a much more peaceful future. My mind immediately went back to my own school days remembering classroom visits and lessons from the guidance counselor. You see, in school children are taught about being a good person and good citizen in very generalized terms, which is exactly what they are supposed to do and doesn’t single anyone out. What I realized was that if children were being taught about respect or trust, it may be assumed or generalized that all parents/family members are deserving of trust and all children have parents that respect one another. This becomes an issue when factors such as domestic violence and sexual assault from a family member are present in a home. So I landed on Character Education being the basis of what I would teach. This was a foundation I could build on for any age group and had a wide range of customization possibilities if a child or group needed help with something specific. (I once tailored a lesson on trust largely around the topic of information sharing as I had been made aware of multiple children in that particular session having boundary and oversharing tendencies. They were safe at that point and receiving interventions, but sharing every detail of their lives with their entire classes and people behind them in the grocery line.)

    Time and Resources    

I don’t know what format your groups will take. They may be stand-alone services or, like mine was, running simultaneously alongside a partnering parent/adult program. One way or another, you will likely have time restrictions you need to work by. When I began at my first agency, the adult program had a 12 week cycle and ran 1.5-2 hours per session. I designed my program to do the same as that was what I had available to me. Something else you will want to take into consideration is what will need to happen in that session timeframe. Does your group occur during traditional meal times? Are kids coming to you right after waking up or right after school when they will need to be burning off excess energy before being able to concentrate? How many parts will there be to your lesson and how long can you do each one? What are your age groups and what are they able to do? Do you have a plan for if the adult program runs overtime or worse, gets done early? What materials, technology, and space size do you have access to us for your teaching? Most of this will be much easier to work out in later posts when we take specific age groups, but go ahead and start thinking about solutions that would work for your own group.

    Before and After Windows    

This one changed for me with nearly every program rotation, sometimes multiple times during that rotation. You have a lot of options. The thing you will come to find out about kids is that they are HIGHLY distractible. The smallest things will steal their attention and then its a 50/50 chance of reining them back in. Have a plan for those first 10-15 minutes when kids are still filtering in. The option that seemed to work best for my usually mixed age group was doing sign in on the playground on-site. I required parents to physically bring their children to the playground, sign them in on a roster sheet, and it allowed me to get a moment with the parent out of kiddo’s earshot to get a brief update and offer quick resource referral ideas. Some options I tried before were to have parents settle their own kids at the dinner table first thing (still used this for inclimate weather), free play in the playroom/classroom area, pre-lesson worksheets, the sit-and-wait (do not recommend), and in the very beginning cartoons/tv. You also want to establish expectations with parents (and partnering adult group staff) routines for after group. For a long time, I would talk as fast as I could and just be at the mercy of when the adult group finished. I was young and naïve. Parents would be released from their group and walk into my classroom ready and expecting to leave immediately if I was still working with them or not. In my later years doing groups, I found my voice. I communicated with parents where they could wait if our group was still in progress and worked with other staff members to help communicate this when the parents returned. I also made a habit of keeping the classroom door shut with a printed sign on it. I want to encourage you to set these boundaries and expectations for the sake of the kids you serve. Many will try to convince you that you’re just daycare and at everyone else’s mercy. Know your position and job responsibilities, find your voice, and advocate for your services.

    Take Home    

You may or may not choose to do this. I am very much the pamphlet, newsletter, and literature girl. I like to put information into people’s hands if for no other reason so that they can’t claim they didn’t know something. The lessons you will be teaching these kids are directly related to their home life, so I feel it is super important to send material and information home (if it is safe to do so) for parents to continue working on. Will they read it? Possibly. Will they do what you recommend? Maybe. Will it get thrown in the trash? Almost certainly. But making the effort means you have done your absolute best to equip this family for what lies ahead and that is all that we can do. As a bonus, you can prepare the family for the next week’s lesson, give simple updates about cancellations or breaks, and include a calendar of upcoming events. The last lesson of my group cycle always included a really messy paint craft, so I utilized my weekly newsletter to remind parents to send playclothes.

I know that this was an extremely long post but I hope that it gives you some ideas and angles to think about in your own group and program development journey. I plan to do more specific posts in the near future on planning groups for specific ages so please keep an eye out for those. I also have plans to post topic ideas with suggestions for teaching and tailoring, activity and game directions, and more. If there is anything you want to see or have questions about, please reach out in the comments! The sole reason I am doing this is to compile everything I know about child advocacy in one place so new advocates won’t have to struggle teaching themselves. I’m here to help!

Good Luck & Keep Fighting,

Jess ♥️

Developing Personal Boundaries

For someone truly passionate about helping people, advocacy and social work can become more than just a job. It can become your life’s purpose. This is great in some aspects because you are always eager to learn new information, meet with a new client, or jump in to assist with a last minute Saturday side project raising awareness. You wake up in the morning excited to go to work and may have a hard time leaving at the end of the day because you know there is so much more you can do.

        The same strong emotions feeding that passion and love for the work are the emotions that have the potential to make you crash and burn out without even realizing until it is too late. There is an incredible amount of heartache to be had when you’re working with clients in crisis. It isn’t all bad. The heartache isn’t always caused by terrible news. Let’s look at what a typical advocacy journey might look like between one client and advocate.

On day one, you pick up the phone to hear a tearful, defeated voice on the other end and can tell they are just praying inside that someone will hear what they have to say and not simply dismiss them like so many others likely have in the past. Your heart aches in sorrow for them as you listen. You invite this client to your office to speak in person with you and help them to make a plan for themselves moving forward. Every idea and suggestion you make, this client frowns only to say that they have tried each and every one with no success. Your heart aches as you see the hopelessness wash over their face and shoulders. After this conversation, you spend hours on the computer and phone trying to compile some out of the box options or ideas only to realize how limited and in demand these resources are. Your heart aches in disappointment as you look at the small heap of printouts you have to offer to the client wishing for them that there were more but trying to stay positive. The next time you speak with the client again, they express a glimmer of happiness as they report they’ve had a great interview and believe they’ve gotten the job they need. Your heart aches with anxious anticipation clinging on to that glimmer just as hard as they are praying it works out for them. The client comes to visit you the next week with obvious joy pouring from them as they tell you they have gotten the job and are looking forward to starting. But then they call you the next day in panicked tears because rent is due by Friday and their alternator went out on their car this morning. Your heart aches for them in frustration wondering if a break will ever come along. You spend hours with this client over the next two months encouraging them, planting seeds of hope and confidence praying one will sprout, hugging them as they sob and celebrating with joined happy dances for every small goal they reach. Then the day comes that you’ve both been working toward. Your client is confident, connected to community resources they so desperately needed months ago with support groups and therapy, they are able to consistently make their bills each month and even have a tiny safety net put back to catch them if something does go wrong. On the outside you are smiling and ecstatic for them as they gush about how well their life is going. On the inside, however, your heart still aches. Not with disappointment or frustration. You feel the same ache a young mother does sending their child off for their first day of kindergarten. You ache with bittersweet joy knowing you won’t be seeing this client as often and they won’t need you like they did on day one. You worry how they will do standing on their own and if they have learned enough to get back up if they fall again. You remind them that you are just a phone call away if they need you and then your heart aches as they drive away, leaps and bounds more capable and confident than they were that first day.

This hypothetical story follows the journey of one advocate working with only ONE client. In reality, an advocate is typically juggling a handful of cases just like this or more at any given time. They are getting those tearful panicked calls back to back during their workday. They are consoling heartaches  and celebrating little victories multiple times throughout a week. If they work in a shelter or residential environment they are likely crossing paths and interacting with these clients not only in professional, sit-down office settings but laughing and joking with them over lunches and dinners. They’re playing with client’s children and getting to know them on a deeper level than most other professions. Occasionally they may also have the client come along who doesn’t blossom like in the story. They may choose not to take the advice, not follow up with the resources, and not develop that confidence that we all try to instill in everyone we speak to. As an addiction case manager, the person you’re working with may relapse or even overdose. As a patient advocate, the patient whose hand you’ve been holding for weeks may not get better. As a social worker, you may drive home in tears after a home visit because an abused parent isn’t ready to seek help and you know you’ll have to file the paperwork tomorrow to remove their children. Obviously there will always be professional boundaries that cannot be crossed to protect agencies and clients from misconduct and discrimination. However, as an individual in this field it is also important to protect your own mental and emotional health through establishing and maintaining personal boundaries. 

Take your nights and weekends If you work from 9AM to 5PM, be ready to leave at quitting time. Keep your belongings in one area of your work space so when it is time to go you can shut down the computer, update whoever is next on shift, and leave without hassle. Make it a point to check in with your clients for the last time right after lunch and let them know you’ll see them tomorrow so no one stops you on the way out without there being an absolute emergency. 

Know Your Limits Limit the timeframe of heavy conversations whenever possible and know when you need to step away from the desk for a minute. The loads that our clients carry are already so heavy for them that they can’t do it alone. Remember that while they are carrying only their own load, you carry a bit of the weight from each one of your clients. Therapists keep their sessions an hour long, take a page out of their book. There will be times where circumstances demand longer one-on-one time, but reserve that for dire situations and emergencies. If you begin to feel anxious or triggered while working with a client, ask if they would like a bottle of water or snack and excuse yourself from the room for a few minutes for a deep breath.

If your position allows you paid time off, take it If you can feel your stress levels rising or you know you have a heavy week ahead of you, plan for a mental health day for the following week without feeling like you’ll be missed or needed. Likely your agency has more staff members than just you so there will be plenty of help should clients need it. If it will ease your anxiety, make sure whatever note system the agency utilizes is up to date and send out a quick email with anything that staff may need to know while you’re away.

Clock out physically and mentally When you’re not at work, try to establish things in your life to keep your mind from wandering back on the clock. Listen to loud music or an empowering podcast on your commute home, pick up a new hobby, find a long new series to binge or book to read. Remember that you are not and should be defined solely by your line of work. 

Seek out your own support Lucky for you, you’re already plugged into all of the information about local resources in your area. You may want to consider looking into therapy resources for yourself to process your own thoughts and emotions (therapists are bound by confidentiality too so unpack all of that work baggage). Whatever you feel like will help to healthfully keep you sane and happy after a long day’s work, try it

Just like I tell my parents all of the time, “you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others.”

Good Luck & Keep Fighting,

Jess ♥️

The Humble Approach: Empower, Don't Overpower

    

    It may just be my personality or how I was raised, but I've always leaned heavily toward being an incredibly humble person. Like, to a fault. I have trouble admitting I have any level of talent for doing literally anything, even when I fully know that I am skilled and talented. It is painful for me to even accept a compliment for doing things well. Seriously, ask anyone that knows me. In most cases, it is a terrible, awful trait to have. 0 out of 10 DO NOT recommend.  Recognition for doing well or having an area of personal expertise should be a great thing. It is something I am working hard with myself on, but surprisingly it has served me well in my interactions with clients.

    When I entered into this field and after a bit of general observation, I made the semi-conscious decision that when working with clients I would approach people with a high level of humility. Bear in mind that my background is in child advocacy and a lot of the nitty-gritty conversations I was having was with parents, however I think this approach can and should be used in most advocacy interactions. You would think that most social and humanitarian work is done by the saintly-est, salt of the earth, most humble human beings in the world.... I am here to tell you that advocacy, non-profit, and social work fields are just like every other workplace. There are employees who love the job, have a heart that bleeds for their clients, and will do nearly anything for people in need, and then there are the people who think they know everything and end up only looking for praise and recognition. My nerdy self likes to refer to the latter as having “superhero syndrome.” Attention and praise feel amazing and can be addictive so it is understandable how someone can get caught in that trap, especially depending on one’s personality. However if you’re prone to it please go into another field. We appreciate your effort and hopefully good intentions, but you would enjoy and do much better in something competitive and commission based. Maybe try real-estate?

    I firmly believe in order to be able to do this work effectively, you need to be an extremely grounded person who can meet anyone that sits in front of you on their own level. We are professional best friends. We hold the hands of people walking through the worst moments of their lives. They don’t need to be lectured, made to feel under informed or feel incompetent every second that they talk to you. Think of it this way: Imagine you go to your best friend with a problem you’re having in your life. What do you want from them in return? Do you want them to listen and build you up, telling you how awesome you are and how you deserve better? Do you want them to suggest a friend, connection, or resource they personally know about and can vouch for? Do you want them to interrupt every sentence you try to get out with comments about what you’re doing wrong, overwhelm you with names and numbers, and try to fix you like you’re a project and not a human being? Most times we just want validation and to feel like we are heard. If we want help and resources, we will ask. Clients apply to this too. You will find that the majority of time you spend with a client will end up just being venting and brainstorming sessions with the client doing most of the talking. It is what they need. Your role in that is to just be the sounding board for them. If you’re not sure exactly how to do that, here are a few tricks and phrases I keep up my own sleeve.

    “Take it or leave it”    

    I started using this approach with parents and have found that it works with pretty much any demographic of client. Anyone that is a parent or knows a parent can attest that they are prime targets for unsolicited advice starting from the moment they announce they are expecting. The first platform a parent uses when defending their choices and styles is that no one has walked in their shoes. This is 100% accurate. No one knows a child as well as the parent does. No one knows what a family’s home life looks like if they have never lived in that home. It is impossible to know another person’s personal life experiences and perspectives no matter how close you may think you are to that person. Aside from parents, people who are seeking employment, facing legal issues, ending a relationship, and navigating mental/emotional/physical health crises closely follow as targets for the same treatment. Funny thing, as an advocate these are the people you will be working with. Any time I meet and start working with a client. I have a phrase I always tell them upfront: 

“You know your life, child, and self better than I do. Only you know What will actually work for you and your family. I have worked in this field for 5 years and have a lot of experience but I will admit that I don’t have all the answers and I won’t always be right. I will always ask first if you would like any advice I have to give and you will always have a choice if you would like to hear it or not. It is also up to you whether you decide to take or try that advice once you have it.”

    As an advocate, it is not our job to tell anyone what to do. It is only our job to empower people with information. Just because you give them that information doesn’t mean they will or have to use it. A client ultimately has to design a life or plan that works best for their family and it may be completely different than what you had in mind. That is okay. It is their life that they have to live and maintain, not ours. 

    Go on the Journey    

    It Is okay not to know everything. It can even help strengthen a bond between you and a client. It can be intimidating for a client in need to seek out help just to be sat in front of someone that seems to have all of life’s answers already figured out. For someone who is lost, struggling, or facing dark days it can be daunting and can make a person feel incompetent, like there is something wrong with them because they don’t know everything that you know. The information we gain as advocates comes from time, experience, and networking. In fact, a lot of what I know now came from needing to find resources for specific clients and cases. Don’t allow your clients to think all of this information comes to you effortlessly. Be transparent. If a client comes to you with a need that you’re unfamiliar with, tell them you’re unfamiliar with it but that you’re going to do some research to find resources to get them where they need to go. Better yet, make an appointment with them to sit down and do the research alongside them. An agency I worked for had a computer specifically for client use that I have sat at multiple times with clients helping them find answers that they needed. If a client witnesses you simply typing the problem into a Google search bar and being able to get the information they need, they will then feel like they are capable of doing the same research on their own. In a world where we carry more technology in our pockets than was used to put man on the moon, you would be amazed how many people believe information is a heavily guarded commodity. If you are transparent with your clients and go on the journey with them to reach their goals, you will not only help them in the moment, but equip them to grow long after your time with them is over. This job is not a competition, show your clients how to do the job for themselves. We want them to not need us eventually.

    Ask questions, Don’t give Answers    

    I have to admit, this is not a tip I learned from my own experience but rather from a training on parent coaching I attended. As I’ve said before, most encounters you have with clients will mainly just be a client needing someone to vent to and let off steam. Occasionally during these venting sessions, they will try to get you to tell them what they need to do. Your job is NOT to try and fix their situation, it is to hold their hand and help them process for themselves along the way. Part of helping them navigate is equipping clients with the skills to do their own problem solving. If a client is looking at housing and asks you to choose between two options, don't. Rather, guide them to figuring out what option is best for them through a variety of questions.

    - What are the pros and cons for each option?

    - How does it compare to the last place you were living? 

What did you not like about your last home?

    - What are your long-term plans? Do you plan to stay in this 

home forever?

    You can use open ended questions like these to frame any situation where a client wants you to write their story for them. I have used this method to guide clients through decisions about housing, mental health, career choices, parenting and discipline, etc. It is simply the act of taking a coaching and "choose-your-own-adventure" approach rather than spoon feeding answers. An additional benefit of taking this approach is the ability to reframe failure. If you give someone all of the answers, they will blame you when it doesn't work out. Allowing a client to come to their own conclusions helps them to take accountability for their decisions as well as equip them for making future decisions. They may have not completely thought out their plan and something they didn't account for happened. From this, they will then know they must have a pre-arranged back up plan working into their goals moving forward. Occasionally you have a client that truly is lost and doesn't know where to start. In this case, you can ask more direct questions such as; "how close is this option to your child's school? Are you willing to switch their schools? Does it fit into your budget? How close will you be to work or public transportation." You want clients to learn how to think critically and fully flesh out their plans on their own, again, because we eventually want them to be self-sufficient. 

    Wait for the Pause    

    This requires good judgement on your part. Depending on your role within an organization, you may have a lot of appointments and cases to manage so your time isn’t going to be unlimited. Let a client know this before the one-on-one session begins so they know you both should be watching the clock and may need to reconvene again later. Once you've made them aware and covered any questions or topics you needed to hit, ask them how they are or what is new then let them talk the rest of your appointment time. Don't interrupt them, don't interject, just actively listen and take mental or written notes. I get a much better picture of what a client has experienced and is currently facing by just letting them talk. In this atmosphere, a client tends to get comfortable and will disclose details they may not have thought of during a Q&A session. Eventually, the client will pause to gauge you for any judgement or thoughts, possibly even ask your opinion. That's when you can refer back to the last tip, ask open ended questions. "How does that make you feel? Do you have a plan moving forward? What have you tried?" The pause is when you begin to coach and guide. If you have a problem with interjecting (I honestly did when I started and still have to correct myself occasionally) make a habit of grabbing a notebook and pen before or at the start of a conversation. Anytime you want to interrupt to ask about something, just jot down what it is you're curious about to refer back to at the inevitable pause. Then you can start to try and make sense of the epic monologue that has been presented to you.

    Mutually Set Goals    

    My clients always know I am working behind the scenes for them because I am always emailing and printing off handouts for them every time they see me. I am the pamphlet queen. This is usually a discussion we have early on. At the end of my first advocacy session with a person as well as every following session, I make sure to wrap up the session by going back over the information and concerns they presented to me and any goals we have set for ourselves. I want to make sure my clients understand that after a one-on-one session with me, we will both have homework when we leave the table. You always want your clients working on something for themselves. I am perfectly happy to share information about a resource, print out the pamphlet with all the details, provide a sticky note with the contact information, and even let you use my phone to call, however I fully expect the client to be the one to make the phone call and report back with the outcome. It can't be one sided though, the client has to know there is work being done on both sides. Arrange with the client a timeframe you both reasonably believe you can have it done, decide how you want to communicate what you've found, and set a time to sit back down for another one-on-one planning session. This will help build a working relationship between you and your client, keep momentum, help the client feel like they have a reliable support system, and keep you both accountable.

    Try not to get disappointed    

    Prepare to have your heartbroken. Part of this approach is putting the power and accountability on the client. I can tell you first hand that not everyone is going to want your advice, not everyone is going to use your advice, and not everyone is going to be motivated to follow through. Some people just aren't ready. Our job is to meet people where they are and if where they are isn't ready, it is what it is. You can't let it get you down and you can't get angry with them. As the old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water..." Prepare yourself for those clients that will continue to be self-destructive. Prepare yourself for the ones who choose to walk back into danger. Prepare for the ones that aren't mentally or emotionally prepared to put down whatever they are addicted to. It is going to happen and it is a part of the process. All you can do is give them information and encourage them but in order to truly empower them, you have to allow them to freely make their own choices and face the consequences for them. Sometimes you may be able to backtrack and start smaller by referring them to therapy, rehab, or support groups. You may and should try to work in pep talks and verbal encouragement into your one-on-one time. In my work with abuse survivors, I am constantly building up and encouraging clients because the person who abused them verbally tore them down as a means to control them. Always try to keep your words and conversations positive and forward moving. If they relapse or mess up because they didn't take advice, don't get angry. Just flip back in your notes to day 1 and start back over with a smile. Some clients sabotage because they don't think they deserve the services they are receiving. The believe making the advocate disappointed or angry will reinforce that. Don't reinforce it. Don't spread yourself working too hard for a client, but however hard they are working for themselves work just slightly more than that for them so they know they are worthwhile.

    Celebrate the Baby Steps    

    Echoing the last tip, reinforce even the tiniest steps forward. A client that is down trodden and discouraged will see their goals as mammoth, impossible tasks. They will feel like they haven't succeeded if they haven't hit the major goal and that they have failed if even the smallest obstacle arises. This is something that needs to be unlearned and is a great thing for an advocate to work with a client on. I have been known to do happy dances for clients that reported back to me with housing leads (did not apply just, just did the research), submitted job applications, and got kids to bed 15 minutes earlier than they usually would (though still way later than they should have been up). Progress is something to be celebrated, especially when progress is something that hasn't been made in a while. Celebrate the little things, even if they look at you like you have three heads. Eventually they will (hopefully) catch on and do a happy dance with you realizing their tiny bit of progress is a good thing. Then over time stretch out those goals, aim higher, but only when the client has learned to celebrate their own baby step milestones.

I sincerely hope that these tips and tricks I've learned along the way help you on your own journey. As I have always told my clients, I don't know it all and you can choose to take it or leave it. Ultimately the choice is yours and the hopefully you too will fall in love with advocacy and non-profit work as much as I have. I wish you the best of luck on your journey and hope it will take you places you never thought you would go.

Good Luck & Keep Fighting,

Jess ♥️